On the morning of November 3rd, 2009, I packed my backpack worrying about a presentation I had to give later that day. In 24 hours, my world was completely turned around. In literally a matter of a few hours, I was no longer a graduate student; I was a cancer patient.
I visited my doctor that day before classes to inspect a strange lump that I found above my collar bone. I had a cold a few weeks earlier and I thought that it must have been my lymph nodes that were swollen as a response. I thought to myself, "Wait and see if it goes away. It is probably nothing." I waited and several weeks later, it had not changed from its firm, painless, grape-sized shape. That morning, I checked in at the front desk at the university's health clinic. I was soon called back and all of my baseline information was taken. Soon after, the doctor entered the room and asked me to describe the lump and show her where it was. She briskly measured and palpitated the lump, asked me to detail my family's cancer history and then ordered me to remove my shirt. I wondered, "What was that all about? Why does she want to know about that?"
She tossed me a paper modesty garment and indicating me to undress. She left the room and I dutifully donned the paper garment, which was subsequently asked to be removed upon her return. She told me to lay back and stated that she would be giving me a manual breast exam. She poked and prodded around, without saying anything and then returned to her computer and began typing, "You can put your shirt on now." Dazed, I put my clothing on, feeling tears welling up in my eyes. This was all going so fast and I was so confused. I wondered to myself, "What now..?" The doctor, still typing stated, "I've scheduled a chest x-ray and blood work for you. I'm concerned about Hodgkin's.." I must have looked confused because she looked over the brim of her glasses, annoyed, and clarified it for me, "...that's cancer. Wait here. I'll get your orders." I sat on the cold metal examination table, feeling a little violated, confused and scared. I wasn't really sure what was going on. Did I really have this thing called "Hodgkin's"? Could I really have cancer? She returned with my orders and told me to take the papers to the radiology department and laboratory, "Down the hall and to the left. I'll call you if I find anything. If I don't call you, everything is fine." I wanted to ask, "What do you expect to find?", but she left the examination room and headed down the hall in the opposite direction before I could ask. I followed the orders written on the paper and had my blood work and chest X-ray completed.
Afterward, I walked back to the main lobby and got my parking validated. As soon as I got to my car, the impact of the last couple of hours flooded my conscious mind and auto pilot turned off. I sat in my car and cried and cried and cried for Gods know how long. When I finally composed myself, I started my car and began to drive home. My phone rang as soon as I hit the highway. I picked it up and the doctor who saw me that afternoon told me that my chest X-ray was abnormal and that I probably have Hodgkin's lymphoma. There was absolutely no compassion in her voice. It was as if she was telling me that she tied her shoes this morning or that she had toast for breakfast. She also told me that I had a CT scheduled at the local hospital in 30 minutes and she was going to meet me there, so I needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. She briskly (and 'professionally') hung up with me. My mind was a blur. How can this be happening to me? I'm a graduate student, I graduated from Smith College, I'm supposed to be writing my dissertation, I need to start applying to the Ph.D. program, I was thinking about moving to Texas, I wanted to get a second Master's in Women's Studies...or do I? I don't have time for this "Hodgkin's" s**t, what will happen to my research project? CT? What hell is a CT scan?!
And then it hit me: Ohmygod, I could have cancer?...
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