I missed my Co-op!

David and I took a road trip to Idaho yesterday, so here I am in my favorite place in the world; the Co-op! There is something about the enviornment in the little cafe that makes you feel like you've come home to something. There is all sorts of good, happy energy here and the food is fantastic. Everything tastes better when you get it at the Co-op. I had a satsuma that was so sweet, it tasted like a piece of candy. I feel really lucky to be sitting here and eating such delicious food.

The other day, my sister and I were chatting on the phone about finances and life in general. She said, "You'll know when you've hit that point; when all the bills are paid, you can afford to eat and you still have a little left over". I am so ready for that comfortable place, when I can actually LIVE and not worry about having enough to cover basic expenses. There have been many times where I paid the phone bill instead of buying food. I've gotten used to scraping change off the ground, in hopes that if I do it enough, maybe there will be enough for something later. There was a time in October last year, when I was buying tortillas at the dollar store. Yes, it is cheaper to buy them at the regular grocery store, but when you only have a couple of dollars and you need to make it stretch, the dollar store seems like a good idea.
When we came back to Idaho, we were surprised at what we actually had left in our fridge. We couldn't believe that we were subsisting on literally nothing. Now I remember why I took that at-home teaching job. (Part of the deal was that I get a full meal.) In the fridge was literally the following: half a jar of jam, mustard, three dilapidated carrots, a bag of very old and hard tortillas, and a freezer full of lamb chops that I bought sometime at Safeway when they were cheap in bulk.
I remember the constant feeling of desperation when there wasn't enough to eat. I felt jealous and jaded that there were people who could afford to buy enough each week. I couldn't concentrate and there was nothing that I could do to lift us out of poverty, no matter how many odd jobs I took. My teaching salary was so minimal that it didn't even pay half the rent and I was supposed to be doing ONLY that. If they found out that I had two other jobs, I would have lost my funding.
Anyway, those experiences have given me a better understanding what many people are going through. Food insecurity is a real problem and when you don't have enough food, there is no amount of gumption that can pull you up by your bootstraps.

I think as a nation, we have taken much for granted.

A Day of Meditation in Pictures.

"When we take the one seat on our meditation cushion, we become our own monastery. We create the compassionate space that allows for the arising of all things; sorrows, loneliness, shame, desire, regret, frustration, happiness." --Jack Kornfield, borrowed from Kris Carr's Crazy, Sexy Cancer Survivor

Quiet space.



















Simple things.
























Peaceful mind.
























New beginnings.

Nail Salon'ing: Coincidence? I'd Like to Think Not... PLUS! Disgusting Updates

As a reward for being SOOOO good yesterday during chemo infusion #3 (more on that to come below), I decided to take myself to the nail salon. Because of the chemo, my nails were thinning, cracking and peeling. I am not supposed to get my nails at a salon because the chance of getting an infection/cuts are high. So, I compromised. I asked the nail tech to just buff and file my nails to clean them up. I was originally going to just do a clear coat and nail hardener, but a super cute bottle of nail polish caught my eye. I picked up this pinkish nail polish by O.P.I. and I was immediately attracted to it. I looked at the bottom of the bottle and the shade was called "Rosy Future". I thought that this was more than fitting for me!

Yesterday was such a shit-show. I put my lidocaine cream on as I did last time, but apparently I did not use enough because the port access hurt like hell.

Wait..let me start over.

I arrived at SCCA to get an H1N1 vaccine, blood draw and have my port accessed for chemo later that day. The nurse was sort've weird. I've never seen her before and she was just...scattered. She asked me a lot of questions that I had no answer to, such as "what size needle do you normally use?" etc. I was already sorta nervous for my port access so her bird-brained, scattered protocol were stressing me out. She gave me the vaccine, which was fine and then proceeded to have my port accessed. It hurt like hell and it just didn't feel right, even though I had lidocaine cream on it. She pushed several syringes of heparinized saline and then pulled for a blood return. Apparently, my port line was clogged and nothing was coming back through the syringe. She tried several more syringes of heparinized saline through the port, but no matter how much she pulled and pulled, trying to get blood, the more it began to throb and sting. Exasperated, she put me in a recliner and leaned me back, hopefully to get the blood pooling to the area. She tried several more syringes and weird bodily manipulations and still nothing came back and now my port, which is still new, hurt even more! So the nurse had to take blood from my arm, which made for three pricks in one day (That sounded dirty didn't it? LOL). In sum, materials were flowing IN but not out of the port.

I painfully made my way up to the 4th floor and my port was hurting so bad it forced me to tears. Soon after I checked in, I was called back and the nurse noticed that I was crying. I explained to her that my port was hurting and she immediately offered me some pain relief, which I accepted. My nurse practitioner, Lorraine, came in to inspect my port. Lorraine has this interesting way of making your complaints seem trivial and her attempts at compassion come off condescending. She's good at what she does, but I try to avoid talking to her if possible. She essentially told me that my port pain was "not a big deal" and that I didn't need pain relief (literally her own words), but she was planning to have the infusion nurses, who administer the chemotherapy, inspect it since they are experts at port placement. If the port is blocked with a clot or whatever, it is easy to clear with a special medication called TPA. It "eats" away whatever clot or material is stuck in the port. If that didn't clear it out, the radiologists would have to be called to inspect it via CT/X-Ray and a peripheral (hand/arm) Iv would have to started for the day's chemo. UGH. I saw both of my oncos and we discussed my reactions to chemotherapy and how I have been managing my symptoms; everything seemed satisfactory. In fact, my white blood cell counts, neutrophils etc were actually HIGHER after my last infusion. The oncos told me to keep doing whatever I was doing! You mean cookie shakes, fries and light/sporadic TaiChi? Works for me!

I checked in at the infusion desk and was immediately sent to an infusion room. My regular nurse came in and we discussed the problems I'd been having with my port. Nikki explained that the needle used to access the port was off angle and it is catching the port in a way that backs everything up. Any material that is in the tubing should have been cleared with the heparinized saline, but since the port was improperly accessed, nothing was making it through. The medicines were collecting in the port (and not flowing through/in the line)and since there was so much medicine in the port, it began to dissipate into the surrounding tissues and muscle. Heparine causes burning and pain at the injection site and all of the tugging and manipulating of a relatively new port did not help either; thus explaining the excruciating pain. Nurse Nikki gently manipulated the port and gave me a series of breathing techniques which should help mitigate the issues with the angle of the port. With that, everything was flowing properly. I did not need a new port or have it reaccessed! YAY!

Anyway, chemo #3 wasn't nearly as bad as before. I requested that my anti-nausea drugs be administered by IV and my chemo diluted with saline. I also drank a whole liter of water throughout the infusion and ate a box of lunchables. Light frequent nibbling and lots of water has made a WORLD of difference this time around.

Today, I'm feeling pretty blah. A little queasy, shakey, and weak, but I managed to have enough energy to go to the nail salon. Hopefully, tomorrow I will be much improved!

This afternoon, my Mom was watching her fav movie, Pretty Woman. It is, of course, the one movie I cannot stand!! Usually, I just flip the channel or try to con her into watching something else, but somehow, Julia Roberts' hair was mesmerizing. In the movie, she has this long, curly red mop of hair. I was nearly in tears because it reminded me of my hair before cancer. Before I gave my hair away and started chemo, my hair was really really long. I donated a whole 11" of hair to Locks of Love and had enough left over to style. Just to give you an idea of what kind of hair I used to have...(The color is a little mousy because the picture was taken in winter. My hair color changes in summer)


Senior in college. Pre-cancer, pre-grad school and 10 pounds lighter! (stupid steriods...)

Anyway, here is a picture that has made my day. What a sweetie, no? <333 (Black one is Niko, the cream-colored one hiding his face is Mosey)

Mmmm...

I just had the most delicious Subway sandwich ever. I just thought everyone would like to know that. :)



Anyway, I recently got a statement in the mail from my cancer treatment center after one infusion and PET scan. Yeah...Most of this isn't going to be covered by my basic student insurance. When I am done with all of my treatment, my bills are going to be in the millions. If the health care bill doesn't pass, no insurance company will agree to cover me or if they will, I will probably pay for it out of the nose. I don't know how I am going to pay for this later.

SOMETHING needs to change.

Grad School

I wanna go back.






















(Photo courtesy of marriedtothesea.com)

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." --Kenji Miyazawa

Chemo #2 has officially kicked my ass. I've been nauseated for three days straight and now that is finally tapering off, the body pains begin. Good Gods, I never knew I could hurt in those places! My docs say that bone/joint pain is common because my immune system has been complicated. Basically, my bone marrow is working in over-drive trying to replenish my White Blood Cell stores.

Fantastic...

I feel like I can't properly imagine what exactly is going on inside my body. When I imagine things, it is like watching an episode of The Magic School Bus; complete with simplified, hand-drawn cartoons and a shrinking bus.

(Photo courtesy of www.themq.com)
Anyway...nothing has helped ease the pain. I've tried long soaks in the tub, heating pads, flax seed sacks (the kind you microwave)...hell, I've even tried hot pizza. So far, that has had the best results. :) Tomorrow, I'm going to call my doc and ask if it is okay to take some pain reliever. Normally they don't want you to take Tylenol because it could mask a fever; usually the first sign of a serious infection.



What's even better than the body pain is that I am officially shedding hair like a cat. I have this habit of running my fingers through my buzz cut (because all of the little hairs feel stubby and tickle the hell out of my scalp!). Afterwards, all these little, short locks of copper red hair are left between my fingers. *sigh* You don't even want to know what the shower is like for me...I was hoping that my hair wouldn't start thinning this quickly, but I guess I have to come to terms with it one day or another, right? Looks like I'll have to dive into the temporary hair color before it is too late.

As much as I loved having my super long curly hair, I'm realizing what an f-ing pain in the ass it was. Sure, it was quite relaxing pulling my long hair over my shoulder and braiding it, but I couldn't get my fingers through it let along a comb. Sometimes, I would wash my hair and it would be still wet in places by the end of the day. Now that I have super short hair, all I do is wash it and shake it dry. That's it! Literally no hair products, no expensive conditioners, no expensive hair cuts, just short 'n sweet. Not to mention that I look professorial with a buzz cut, belted cardigan and long earrings ;)

I like this... :)

(Picture courtesy of Natalie Dee. Read more of her funny comics at www.nataliedee.com)