Timeline for my life

I have made some big decisions in the past few days. With August looming and my anxiety rising, it is hard to decide how the things that I want for myself fit into the limited amount of time I have to do them.

After much consideration, I have decided to finish my Master's degree this semester and apply for a Ph.D. program in Gender and Women's Studies at Texas Women's University for Fall 2011 admission. This is a HUGE commitment and I know that there will be people who are going to tell me to be careful making such a big commitment. But after having cancer, I'm not willing to wait to do the things that I want for myself. Going to India for a few months to escape life would be LOVELY, but in all, I really need to get this degree; I want it SO badly. So much so that I think about it non-stop. I know that my life was going to take me in this direction eventually, so what better time than the present? I still have time between now and fall 2011 to go to India and finish my degree; just maybe not going for 4 whole months! :)

The great thing about this move for me will be greater acceptance for the type of research I want to do. There is SO much work to be done in the Criminal Justice discipline that I fear I won't get funding or recognition for what I want to do and for how I want to expand the discipline. Gangs, drugs and racial profiling are all neato subjects, but SO 1990's, yano? I ask where does the edge of knowledge lie? Where are places that we haven't explored yet? I see a lot of students simply repeating the type of research and scholarly interests that their advisors/professors have. I want to be unique and challenging.
I've gotten a lot of resistance from my peers and the faculty. It seems that few in the department have the ability and knowledge to support the type of research that I am interested in. I think that a degree in Women's Studies is just the next logical step for me. I am so passionate about what I do and what I believe in that it is embedded in the very fabric of my being. I never get tired of it. THAT'S how you know that it is right for you.

The second fantastic thing this move will bring is employment opportunities for David and the friendships that we so desperately miss. One of our good friends lives near TWU and let me tell you, living in rural Idaho is beautiful, but depressing. Very, very depressing. No work, no fun, no friends. I can't believe that we haven't tried to strangle each other yet!

Finally, Texas = no snow. It will be hard to cope with the lack of seasonal changes (at least the more drastic ones we're used to), but that means we don't have to think about snow tires or winter clothes ever again. Then again...I burn easily. *sigh*

Ugh, I can't believe that I'm awake at this ungodly hour! Off to bed and to dream of TWU...

It's a Party In the U.S.A.!

Today, hubby and I have a small little 4th celebration of our own planned: Grillin' soy dogs and corn on the cob, soaking in the sun, sipping diet coke all topped off with a slice of Straw-Cherry Pie and watching fireworks on the Idaho Old Spiral highway.

a PERFECT day...

The Straw-Cherry Pie, courtesy of The Hubster!


Check out my cool retro can cover; a 4th of July present from David!

Taking a little bit of home with you where ever you go

After getting cancer, you stop worrying about the consequences of minor indulgences; that extra square of organic, fair trade, ridiculously good/expensive chocolate bar your swore you were going to save for later or...that little tattoo that you've always wanted but weren't close enough to a decent artist to get.

There are a few tattoos that I have planned for myself, one of which includes a half sleeve of an open pomegrante on my right arm. The other, I've had stored in my back pocket for a few years. For me, being at Smith was like being at home with myself, my identity, my people...ME. Whenever I returned to college, I felt as if wherever I had come from was only a place I visited. I had some of the best experiences and memories at Smith. So what does this have to do with my tattoo ambitions? There is a sugar maple tree that grows next to Wilder and I remember how the "little helicopter seeds" would to fall from the branches in slow spiraling motions. I have several of these seeds pressed in textbooks and tucked away in between old school papers. It makes me smile to cross upon one of these little treasures unexpectedly. I would love to get a little one of these green and brown seeds tattooed on my wrist as a way to always carry a little bit of home with me. :)

Ranting, Poverty and Other Such Delights

Getting medical bills forgiven is nothing short of a fiasco. I've written well over four or five dozen letters to each of the institutions, specialists, cytologists, hematologists and other random doctors that are trying to extract money from me. Frankly, I'm not even sure that I ever really SAW these folks, so I've had to call and ask what procedure(s) they are billing me for. Apparently, when you have cancer, there are a bunch behind the scenes folks on your treatment team and each of them get to bill you separately for their services. Like the lovely anesthesiologist that I never really met because I was UNCONSCIOUS during my procedure; he now wants $1706.18. I think that the dumb-asses in patient accounts purposefully did not take down my insurance information correctly when I checked in. My bill states, "Insurance cannot identify patient". So, I've had to write a jillion more letters and make dozens of phone calls to get this crap straightened out. I ended up just making copies my dang insurance card and physically mailing it to them so they can't screw it up this time.

In addition to trying to figure out if I actually OWE the stated amounts, I've had to write pretty pitiful letters because I simply can't pay for this stuff. It's hard when they tell you that they can't eliminate all of your debt through charity/financial assistance programs, only some. Well, how much is "some"?!?!? The people on the other line treat me like a freeloader or talk to me like I'm lazy. I talked to someone from MultiCare about a $4k bill for a biopsy I had in November and told them over and over (in addition to the letters I sent) that I can't pay my bill. The employee on the phone said with suspicion, "You're meaning to tell me that you can't even make a small payment today, like $50.00?" YES! I am a poor, sick student who can hardly afford to feed herself and pay her bills. NO, I cannot give you money right now. Did it ever occur to you that you are not the only one trying to get me to pay for things right now? If I can't pay THEM, then I certainly can't pay YOU. Even after I asked for financial assistance information, no one seems to be able to tell me what I will eventually owe and I've been told to wait patiently for a "review" of my file and supporting documents. I need to be able to plan and figure out how much I'll be paying in monthly installments...that is if I can even get a job right now.

When I got sick, my finances were already tight. I arranged everything under the assumption that wasn't going to develop cancer and go through 6 months of sheer treatment hell. When you write these letters and call patient accounting departments, people act like you don't work hard enough; that you should be able to pay your own way for things. How can someone like me pay for a $7,000 PET scan? How could I work when I was so sick I could hardly get out of bed? Americans expect people to work despite grave illnesses. They expect them to work well into their death beds. Only after their death, it seems, is a person's medical debt forgiven. Now that I am a month and a half out of treatment, it seems that everyone is pushing me to return to work. I want to, I really do, but I have to be honest; I don't feel like the same 'ole Susie that I once was. I am extremely limited in the time of work I can pursue, largely because of where I am in my degree completion (can't teach at the university because I have incompletes on my transcripts because I got sick in the school year) and simply because I'm still recovering. My energy is still pretty low and not having a whole lot of money for proper food, it will continue to be that way for a while.

What sucks the most about my situation is that my family seems to think that everything is fine. That there is nothing wrong with me and that I'm asking for handouts when I'm asking for financial help. David and I are working so damned hard right now and it hurts to much to be treated like this. David has a job finally, but the hours are crap (less than 40 hours a month) and we don't get paid very much. I don't want to lose my apartment or my opportunity to finish school. We are living the cheapest lives possible for two adults. I spend most of my time looking for work; it has literally become a full time job for me. I don't know what more I can do right now. I WANT to focus on getting better and getting my energy and strength up, but I can't because I am so stressed about money, bills, insurance... I hate the feeling of living paycheck to paycheck and am so sick of hearing my family say, "Well, you're just going to have to make some sacrifices". Sacrifice what exactly? The only things that I could possibly "sacrifice" is my cell phone (which is the only way people can get a hold of me), laptop, wedding ring and car. Seeing as how 3 out of those 4 things are crucial to finishing my degree and getting a job, I can't sacrifice them. I don't think I could deal with the heartbreak of selling my wedding ring for rent money. We've already cut our bills down as much as possible, buying the majority of the things we need from the dollar store. Tell me, what more can I do?

Okay, I promise no more rants. I just needed to get that off my chest.

Possibly the most ridiculous peacock feather earrings of all time

I have hit the motherload, courtesy of Claire's teenie-bopper jewelry company. Each earring has 5, yes count 'em 5, beautiful peacock feathers. That's another thing to cross off my post-cancer to do list!

I WANT TO GO TO THERE

I don't care if I have to sell my soul, I AM going to do this internship in Chennai, India.

I am totally obsessed with the idea of doing anti-human trafficking advocacy and HIV/AIDs education in either Ghana, Africa or Chennai,India (and you KNOW I'd blog about it!). The only problem is that I don't know how well I would need to be in order to do this sort of stuff; and yes, I've already flooded my oncologists' inbox with questions. I know I've only been done with treatment for a month and a half or so, but I am itching to get moving with my life. I know I have to finish my degree and I will, I just want something more. I am simply not content with sitting on my butt doing nothing. I didn't get to go abroad in college because, frankly, I had no money and had to work. That's fine and all, but still, I feel like I missed out on it and will unless I do it now. Besides, think of all the amazing academic and thought provoking opportunities it could produce!!!! NOM, NOM, NOM!

Anyway, after cancer, you start to feel like if you don't get to the things you want and love to do, you may never get to. I know its not the best way of seeing things, but at least I won't miss anything awesome. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for all of my medical bills, let alone a $3,000 trip to work abroad. Right now, it is just a thought; but I know I will do it some day soon. Perhaps I can ask my parents as a Birthday and several Christmases combined? haha, ya right.

Healing nicely

I thought my blog needed a little brightening up. It IS summer after all, though you wouldn't know it with all of the rain we've had! Now that radiation is over, I'm looking forward to some dang sun! (P.S.: Check out by cute, scraggly post-chemo growth!)


Anyway, on to post-surgery life...I'm starting to heal up nicely with these special medical bras I was prescribed. They are supposed to give UBER support to the ladies and prevents the skin on my chest from stretching and thus ugly keloid scars. It seems that my granny bras are definitely doing the trick! I never knew how comfortable these little sports bras could be. I'm seriously considering switching to them full time, even though they make me flat as a pancake. Meh! who needs shapely boobies anywho? COMFORT FOR THE WIN!

I've enjoyed my post-radiation recovery so far. I've been able to do many much needed chores around the house, rest, and meditate on the things I want to do for myself. I actually started a list, which has so far included:

-More fun in general. Laugh! Lighten up, Suz!
-Find ridiculous peacock feather earrings.(I've started a collection!)
-Do some baking.
-Volunteer a little.
-Stop being lame. Be a good friend and keep in touch. Write letters/cards to friends family etc. (If you want me to send you a letter and I don't have your addy, email me!!)
-Go on more walks.
-Get back into music again. I haven't touch my instruments in years...
-Along that vein, save up for a used upright piano.
-Get a dog (but first, a job!)
-Find a job that pays you what you're worth!


Finding a job has been much harder after having cancer, eliminating many of the jobs I was able to do in college/pre-cancer. No more waitressing, food/beverage service, wacky hours or anything involving lots of physical labor. I've decided to stop the whole I'll-just-get-three-part-time-jobs thing and only apply for jobs that will pay me what I am actually worth and give me plenty of hours. Also, I don't want to be too busy to finish my degree this fall, so no more crap jobs/over-committing myself!

In sum, things are good, but I'm just waiting a job offer so I can start checking things off my list!