My heart feels like it is bursting right now...So many feelings rushing through me. Graduation and reunion is always an emotional experience for me. I feel so immensely privileged and touched to have been given the time to make such fulfilling and satisfying friendships. I feel sadness and gratitude; this easily cold never have happened yet, things turned out this way--for the better no doubt!
I've said this once before, but I guess I'll say it again. Cancer has taken so many things from me; my energy, my body, my sense of certainty and so many unspoken but equally as devastating aspects of life. Nothing has ever been the same since my diagnosis. If anything has changed for the better, it is my sense of calm, quietude, and peace with the universe. I learned that I cannot control what happened to me and all of little things that come along with it. A good friend of mine once explained a concept that really resonated with me. She likened life to a looped arrow where the peak of the loop represents the time that you take, in the present moment, for yourself to just deal with everything you're experiencing; to give yourself the permission and the time to experience and cope with the feelings, emotions and needs that arise as a part of cancer treatment. I always felt like my mission during my treatment was to arrive at the end goal; naturally, remission is a pretty good goal, but being too focused on moving forward without acknowledging needs can create internal conflicts. I ignored all of my feelings of fear and vulnerability; I denied the fact that I wanted support. I didn't tell many people I was sick, even though cancer is about as serious as it can get. I never allowed myself to feel these things; mainly for survival reasons. I don't think I would have survived or done nearly as well if I had been too focused on the possibility of death.
I am giving myself permission to just be where I am right now, without worrying about all of the lofty goals I have for myself, though I always keep them in my mind. It is my goal to attempt to achieve balance in my life. That means no more dead-end jobs that don't pay enough or aren't worth my time and talents. That means going to bed at reasonable hours and letting the laundry go undone for just one more day. It is allowing myself to call in sick without feeling that the whole place is going to fall down without me as well as the permission to play hooky once or twice. Things that people *should* be doing for themselves.
Sadly, it seemed that many of the people outside of my circle of friends (not all) that I talked with had pretty trivial problems in comparison to the shit-show that is cancer. That is not to say, however, that their experiences are not important simply because it wasn't cancer or something else equally as horrible. Moreso that I had a hard time identifying with these mini-crises. This all makes me seem jaded and bitter, but don't have I a right to be right now? Perhaps this entry seems whiny and bitchy, but it is truly how I'm feeling. I had a hard time feeling patient and sensitive at times. Despite some of the frustrating aspects of graduation/reunion, I enjoyed reconnecting with my friends and solidifying and strengthening relationships that were previously just acquaintances. I am hoping that I get to see them again soon because I already miss them!
I totally forgot to mention this!! I am getting my port removed on the 21st at 7 am; the morning after returning from vacation. I am SO freakin happy to have this thing removed. It usually doesn't get removed unless they're not worried about needing to use it again. I am scared, but happy at the same time; this is the one thing that is holding me back from feeling like a normal human being. I am so excited to return to better eating, exercising, and taking time for myself as well as working/finishing school.
You know, I hate using the word "entitlement" in any context, but I feel this blog post merits it - I think as someone who has been through immense struggle, you are entitled to to see your peers problems as trivial - as their problems are typically not life threatening or largely life altering. But then again, this is just an AMEN to how you feel, though, you don't need me to legitimize that. I had more of a reversal of roles, where people were paralyzed by my recent accident. I felt it problematic when I was crutches all weekend not just for the inconvenience getting around, but it really prevented me from talking as deeply about anything BUT my condition. If anything, was it at all refreshing that they at least were able to have these "frivolous" conversations with you? What were you hoping for?
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I have no idea what I was expecting. It is so hard to live normally after what happened to me. I don't have a way to really measure normalcy anymore.
ReplyDeleteI think the number one most frustrating thing for me during cancer treatment was being treated like a piece of fine china; as if I needed protection or padding for fear that I might break. In my experience, no one in my family talked about cancer really...it was almost as if they didn't know what to do, so they defaulted to largely ignoring the issue. Somewhere, deep down, I wanted someone to say, "hey, you have/had cancer. That sucks!". I'm also grappling with some feelings of anger and frustration with having to experience cancer and part of that process is learning to cope with feelings of jealousy (largely regarding other's good health and "normal" lives/worries).
Also, cancer is not as obvious as, say, a cast. Many people didn't believe me because I looked so "healthy" and it wasn't until I showed them the port that they gasped and offered their apologies/sympathy/whathaveyou. In a way, I almost wish that I had some sort of physical display of my ailment other than my surgery scars since I refused to take many pictures of myself during treatment.
Honestly, I have no expectation for how people should act or feel about my cancer because that belongs to them. I can't control how they react and this blog is just about reporting and observing my feelings/experiences, as strange or unexpected they may be. It allows other cancer patients to see that it is normal to feel this way and give themselves permission to experience a range of emotions. I want to remember how it felt so I never take things for granted again.
Thanks for offering your insights. It definitely gave me something to think about and I'm glad you read my blog.
Love,
Susie