Whoa.. I have been really busy and didn't realize that I haven't updated this in almost a month. Sorry, my faithful blog-followers! I promise I have not disappeared!
I am really enjoying being back at school and finally tying up the lose ends. The women and gender studies classes I am taking are really easy (compared to those at Smith), but its helping me refocus and organize my thesis as well as provide me the coursework I needed. The only unfortunate side effect is that I am SO, SO busy!! I have also made a pack with the hubby to go to the gym for no less than 30 minutes; 2 days on, 1 day off (which translates to 4 to 5 days a week). My post-cancer energy has been slowly improving, which is good news. No more chest pains (stupid radiation, messin' up my lungs and heart), I sleep better and have more energy in the morning. I'm actually able to drag my ass out of bed at the crack of dawn for a cuppa joe and the occasional farmer's market. But at the end of the day like a cranky, old lady, I need to go to bed at 10:30pm because I am so wiped out. Whoever said that "There are never enough hours in the day" most definitely hit the nail on the head!
I have decided to try to work on my thesis for approximately one hour per night. It's just a huge pain in the ass right now, because I need to rework the majority of the paper and hone the focus of the analysis. I need some motivation...it's hard to delete parts written so long ago. I keep thinking to myself, "WHAT IF I MESS UP AND I NEED THAT CHAPTER LATER?!??!?!" My advisor is probably going to disapprove of the scope and breadth, but I gotta do what's rattling around in my brain! I think I have a pretty good perspective to offer and can pull off so many different factors. Let's just hope that I finally get the sort of organization and clarity needed to make it work. I just have to keep reminding myself, "What are you trying to say? Is this what you originally wanted to investigate in the thesis?". In sum, my thesis is a sucky, mess right now.
Anywho, on to cancer matters. I have another scan coming up in October. This is a critical scan because it will be approximately one year since my diagnosis. The one year mark is important, folks!! Blarghhhh I always fear the results of these scans. I keep going through all the paranoid questions, "What if they find something again?" I keep imagining the PET scan showing a teenie tiny "hot spot" somewhere random in my body, necessitating the worst treatments possible! I have this constant fear of it coming back, which I am sure is pretty ubiquitous to all cancer survivors... it just sucks that the routine scans bring back such deep fears and bad memories. It is only when the scan date approaches does my paranoia start to creep back in. *sigh* Please keep your fingers crossed! I don't know where the courage and strength would come from to battle cancer a second time around. Hopefully, from the love, strength and support of all my friends, right? :) I would definitely need a little help in that department. BUT! I am not going to assume that I have cancer again. In fact, I am determined NOT to get it again. Like I said in my Valentine's post from 2009, if the cancer dares to come back, I will kill it!!!
I'm off to bed, dear readers. I will keep you updated on the results of the scan. <3
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Scan Results: Free and clear! Everything looks great! Thanks for all of your support!
