I got a cancer survivor scholarship

AUGHH! I'm so stoked!

I received a scholarship from Cancer for College Scholarship foundation! CHECK IT OUT!

http://cancerforcollege.org/Past_Recipients.html

If you are a cancer survivor and a student, I highly recommend that you apply. (Remember that you will need a letter of verification for your oncologist and/or radiologist!) Here is the link for next year's application:
http://cancerforcollege.org/CFC_Application.html

FREE AND CLEAR

Hello, my beautiful lovelies!

I am so glad to report that my scan came back free and clear! No cancer!

Wooooooohooooooo!


But... there was some "weird stuff" happening with my thyroid.


Yeah. That's what I said.  Weird schtuff. Are you f'ing serious? 

What MORE do I have to put up with? I ALREADY HAD TO GO INTO THE DONUT OF DOOM. (Ya'll know what I'm talkin' about, right? Check out my archived posts for all of the inside jokes!) I was also pissed (perhaps childishly so?) that I had to get poked twice in the span of one hour. I think was a little bit spoiled at the SCCA. If I had procedures requiring an IV, they just drew blood from the IV instead of making you endure multiple stab wounds in the course of one day. 

A few days after the scan was completed, I met and chatted with my oncologist. He said that I had some "interesting uptake". Hah. Glad that my uptake was so "interesting" doc! After we talked about my results, we made a plan to keep an eye on it because I am at risk for hypothyroidism in the years post-radiation. In case you're not in the loop, lovely followers, I had mantle radiation scanning from my throat to my diaphragm. Here's a picture of me with my radiation "roadmap." For references purposes, obvi. ;-)   (Also please note my adorable curly mullet forming!)

As you can see the areas marked for radiation is pretty much grazes my thyroid. While my blood and counts were all within normal range, we're apparently "keeping an eye on things." While I sound pretty annoyed about this, I *was* warned that this would be a long-term side effect. I'm planning to do a lot of research about this crap before I dive into taking some synthetic or animal-based thyroid medication. I'll share with you what I know as I start doing research.










I guess I sometimes I feel like most of my medical issues are a matter of "wait-and-see." I hate the wait-n-see crap.

I want to know now, darn it!!!!

I hate waiting.
I don't want to be sick anymore.
None of this should ever have happened to me.
I don't like the CT contrast.

I WANT TO KNOW NOW.






Okay, I promise that I won't be rolling around on the floor having a tantrum the next time I go to the oncologists office, but sometimes I feel like it would definitely be cathartic.

First PET Scan: 2 Year Mark?

Helloooo my faithful followers,

I am sorry that I've neglected this blog for so long! I've been quite busy finishing up my first year of my doctoral program. You know the routine: long hours; copious amounts of caffeine; mindless grading..

As I mentioned in a prior post, I found a new oncologist where I live and now I'm scheduled for my first follow-up PET scan this Tuesday.

I am. so. nervous.

I know that this is normal, but I won't be able to relax until I'm done with this gigantic hurdle. PET scans are my absolute least favorite procedure ever. The last time I underwent a PET scan, I didn't take the getting-comfortable-stage seriously and ended up being in so much pain for the whole 60 minutes that I was expected to lie completely still. I was in tears by the end of the procedure and I was soooo hungry and tired. You're not allowed to eat anything for 6-8 hours prior to the procedure in order to "starve" your cellular tissue. The PET scan tracer is a radioactive sugar solution. Cancer cells metabolize much more quickly than normal cellular tissue and therefore will "glow" in the resulting images. Getting the solution injected into you is a really, really weird process... Since the nurses do not want to be exposed to the radioactive material, the syringe is encased in a strange metal casing (see above). It kind of looks like having a caulking gun attached to your IV. Weird.

I am just so afraid of having cancer again. I know that this a natural feeling that all cancer survivors experience, but it all feels so real and imminent shortly before a scan. I've been so focused on my work that I haven't had time to really take stock of how my body feels and think through how I'm feeling about the impending scan. I am wanting certainty that this will never happen to me again, but I know that there are no guarantees in life, especially with cancer.

Of all the things to be annoyed and anxious about, I'm annoyed about the process of having to get my IV and abstain from food and caffeine. No diet coke for 12 hours. I don't know if I'll make it! I also really, really hate the feeling of having the IV placed in my arm. Totally cool with collecting blood, but letting it linger in there still gives me the skeevies even after having a power port in my heart/chest for nearly a year. Thinking about that port just...ugh. Gross. Yuck. No.

I remember telling my oncologist that I didn't care that it would be "convenient" to have my port still in my chest if my cancer came back. I wanted that thing OUT...ASAP. If he wasn't going to remove it, I threatened to do it myself. That was the probably the single most disgusting and uncomfortable thing I have ever endured. I am determined for this to never happen to me again.

I'll keep you all updated on the results of my PET scan!

Love

"Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.”

--Antoine de Saint-Exupery

On April 2nd, my mother passed away from breast cancer and an auto-immune disease called scleroderma. Thank you to everyone who sent messages of love and support over the past couple of weeks. It has made everything so much easier.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


Peach roses from my mother's funeral arrangements. (Peach was her favorite color.)

Radical Self-Love

It's been over five years since my breast reduction surgery. I was flipping through an old journal and I came across some things I wrote before and after the procedure.

"These giant balloons can't possibly be part of my body. They don't feel right. They don't even feel like a part of me."

I wrote about emotional pain. I wrote with self-loathing and criticism. I wrote about how shirts didn't fit right and how it was impossible to take notes in the desks at school. I literally selected my courses so I didn't have to squeeze into the auditorium desks (the ones with the flip open desk surfaces).

Now I realize... the chairs were too damned small for my generous rack, lovely readers!

While I genuinely experienced physical back/neck pain, I realize that my self-loathing was also shaped by the constraints of the heteropatriarchy. My breasts must be validated. Acceptable. Alluring. Sexy. Pleasing. Just big enough to be "womanly", but small enough to avoid circus-freak stares. Surgery certainly helped shape a more healthy future for my back, but it didn't change the self-hatred and criticism. After a brief period of novelty and happiness with my new size, the self-loathing began to well up inside of me. I was no longer able to project it on to my breasts.

Now it was the surgery scars.
My muscular calves.
My unruly curls.
My curvy, fat body.
My love of other breasts.
My laughter.
My face.
Myself.

I realized that I hated myself. I absorbed these lies and accepted them, unconditionally, as truth.

Then it clicked. I suddenly understood the phrase, "Self love is a radical act". Wow. How come I had never realized this before?! I was kept docile and self-destructive by the very nature of the oppressive narratives created about bodies.

What is more rebellious than loving ourselves completely and unconditionally? What is more radical than feeding, loving, caressing, touching, accepting and taking care of this beautiful body of mine?

We deserve nothing less.