DONE

What a crappy last day, but at least it is over! I had to walk around today, trying to get people to sign up for Old Navy credit cards. That's it. Nothing else. I wasnt even permitted to fold. Luckily, the store's traffic died down quite a bit so I became unneeded. They let me go home early! I am just so glad that I didn't have to stay. DONE FOREVERRRRRRRRR YESSSSS

Now I can focus on all the darned packing I've got to do!

Queer-dar malfunction

You know, after being in a long-term committed relationship you kind of forget what it like when someone asks you for a date/hits on you. I go to the dog park almost every day and I'm often friendly with the other dog-parents. A couple of weeks ago, I exchanged numbers with another dog-park goer after she invited me to dinner with her and her friends. I was visiting family when she texted me, asking if I wanted to go out that night. Today, we saw each other again at the dog park and, naturally, we started talking again. Her 9 year old basset hound is not doing well (suspected chronic illness) and so I like to ask how things are going with him. Somehow we got to talking about how people resemble their dogs, both physically and personality-wise. I laughed saying, "Well, I don't know what Oliver says about me!" She smiled right at me and says, "Well, he's a big flirt!" I suddenly realized how ignorant I had been. She's been hitting on me! I just brushed it off and made some sort of joke about how her dog always begs for scratches.
Man, is my queer-dar rusty..

Counting down

63 days until graduate school orientation
17 days until moving day
6 days until my horrible retail job is over

Curse this horrid job

All of the rude customers.
The mind-numbing folding.
All of the trips back and forth to the sales floor,
Sweat-inducing labor and toil.
Asking, "Would you like to sign up for an Old Navy Card today and save 10% on your purchase today?"
Those goddamned plastic hangers...


I want to quit my job.

Helpful Hints for Old Navy Shoppers

Dear Old Navy Shoppers, please stop the following immediately:

1. Acting like the store is your personal closet. This means don't ball unwanted clothes up, throw them into a pile or leaving bodily fluids on them. We don't have a washer/dryer.

2. Treating associates like slaves. We're not here to hold your clothing for you while you try things on or dote on you. We can't ignore all the other customers and we're getting paid WAYYYY to little to be your personal stylist.

3. Ignoring the signs and price tickets. Just read the sign. It explains everything you need to know. Consider retaking remedial math or carry a calculator to figure out our very basic discounts.

4. Bringing your brats (a.k.a.: grandchildren, kids, nieces, nephews etc). They pull shit off the shelves, get sticky snack crap everywhere and climb on clothing racks.

5. Complaining about the prices. We already have cheap, cheap prices. Don't ask for additional discounts for things in the super-duper clearance sections. It's as far down in price as we can go. Does it really matter when last year's sweaters are $0.67, anyway?

6. Leaving your finished Starbucks, Jamba Juice, Jack-in-the-Box cups on the shelves. Nasty, gross. Just disgusting. WE HAVE TRASH BINS.

7. Being offended when we say hi or ask if you need anything. We are REQUIRED to do this and if we don't, we get a poor review. We're not going to keep hounding you if you just say hi back and say that you're finding everything okay or that you don't need help. You don't need to be rude about it.

8. Commenting that our job is easy or that it isn't hard work. Obviously you have never worked retail. You'd be surprised to learn that I'm working a back-breaking, patience-testing and intellectually vapid position as a cancer survivor with a Master's degree. I would choose a day of chemo or a challenging, advanced degree over retail work ANY day.

9. Asking when our next clearance sale is. Sales associate monkeys, like myself, have no way of knowing this. We walk in and get told what sales/deals are happening. We get zero ahead notice.

10. Asking me if I like this or that. I have no idea what to say. Even when I do, the customers never agree with me anyway. My default from now on is, "yes" no matter how damned hideous it looks on you. It is much easier to just lie from now on.

11. Getting angry if we ask for your email address at check-out. Again, this is something we are required to ask for and you DO get a coupon. If you don't want it just say, "No thank you". Don't act like it is invasive that we asked or assume that we're trying to scam you. TRUST ME, I don't like the idea either and I don't want to type in your girly, 10th grade email address or perverted, web-stalker pedophile screen name, such as unicorn_fluppypuppy_rainbow_chickk@hotmail.com or thick_n_hard69@yahoo.com.

12. Hanging things up for us instead of letting the fitting room attendant do it. I know that this isn't something that you do maliciously and in a perfect world, it would be very very helpful. Please listen: IT ISN'T. When you leave with things, we assume you're going to buy them. When you hang them back up, you're not going to hang them properly, then things get tangled (especially tank tops, swim suits, spaghetti strap dresses and such), improperly folded, misplaced, or they end up on the floor, only to get soiled. We have to sweep through the departments and then rearrange, process and fix all of the things that get broken, tangled or mis-sorted through this process. It takes us MORE time to do that than if you just left the things you didn't want with me. Also, we get docked points on our CES reports for a messy, unorganized store. Just let the professionals hang things up to the corporate standard.

13. Assuming that just because something was on the table with so and so discount doesn't necessarily mean that it is guaranteed to get the discount. Sometimes messy customers like yourself will just drop crap on to the discount table. Don't get angry with us at check-out and try to squeeze a discount out of it just because an item was misplaced. It's not going to happen.

14. Asking us if item X is going to shrink. If it is 100% cotton, what do you think? Try washing it in cold water, air drying it, or using Woolite instead of just randomly tossing it into the washer with boiling hot water. In sum: Take care of your clothes, people.


15. Returning items from last Christmas. Please, dear god, just try things on before you buy them or try to expediently get your lazy butt back into the nearest Old Navy when you have a return. You are NOT getting the full ticket price refund when its over 2-years old. It's hardly worth it for us to do the mark-down and put it back into the clearance section.

16. Interrupting the check-out process with last minute decisions and nay-says. Examine the stuff you got before you get to the check out line. It takes us so much more time to get you through when you keep changing your mind about items. Don't just throw stuff into your bag. Carefully think about each thing you're buying before going up to purchase it.

17. Assuming that I am of lower intelligence because I work a retail job. Yeah, sure, this is a job for banal high school students but I just so happen to be, unfortunately, living in a small town and between finishing my Master's degree and starting a Ph.D. program this fall. I just need something to pay the bills until then, so at least don't assume anything, pay me a little respect and don't talk to me like I'm an idiot.

18. Ignoring the other effing signs. Do you know how much time I waste per shift taking a customer by the hand like a two year old and guiding them to the bathroom or fitting rooms? Even if they are less than 10 feet away? WE HAVE SIGNSSSSSSSS

How to Answer "What's it like to have cancer?"

I love this. It sums up everything I want and need to say to people who ask me, "What was it like to have cancer?"


The Spoon Theory

by Christine Miserandino
My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.


As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”.

© Christine Miserandino

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

Only in Idaho

This interesting interaction occurred while I was buying an energy drink at a convenience store.

Cashier: "Will that be all?"

Me: "Yep, that's it."

Creepster Trucker in line behind me: "I had one of those energy drinks the other day, except it tasted like lemonade. Yup...tasted good with rum."

Me: "....."


Only in Idaho.