Long Over-due Update

Whoa.. I have been really busy and didn't realize that I haven't updated this in almost a month. Sorry, my faithful blog-followers! I promise I have not disappeared!

I am really enjoying being back at school and finally tying up the lose ends. The women and gender studies classes I am taking are really easy (compared to those at Smith), but its helping me refocus and organize my thesis as well as provide me the coursework I needed. The only unfortunate side effect is that I am SO, SO busy!! I have also made a pack with the hubby to go to the gym for no less than 30 minutes; 2 days on, 1 day off (which translates to 4 to 5 days a week). My post-cancer energy has been slowly improving, which is good news. No more chest pains (stupid radiation, messin' up my lungs and heart), I sleep better and have more energy in the morning. I'm actually able to drag my ass out of bed at the crack of dawn for a cuppa joe and the occasional farmer's market. But at the end of the day like a cranky, old lady, I need to go to bed at 10:30pm because I am so wiped out. Whoever said that "There are never enough hours in the day" most definitely hit the nail on the head!

I have decided to try to work on my thesis for approximately one hour per night. It's just a huge pain in the ass right now, because I need to rework the majority of the paper and hone the focus of the analysis. I need some motivation...it's hard to delete parts written so long ago. I keep thinking to myself, "WHAT IF I MESS UP AND I NEED THAT CHAPTER LATER?!??!?!" My advisor is probably going to disapprove of the scope and breadth, but I gotta do what's rattling around in my brain! I think I have a pretty good perspective to offer and can pull off so many different factors. Let's just hope that I finally get the sort of organization and clarity needed to make it work. I just have to keep reminding myself, "What are you trying to say? Is this what you originally wanted to investigate in the thesis?". In sum, my thesis is a sucky, mess right now.

Anywho, on to cancer matters. I have another scan coming up in October. This is a critical scan because it will be approximately one year since my diagnosis. The one year mark is important, folks!! Blarghhhh I always fear the results of these scans. I keep going through all the paranoid questions, "What if they find something again?" I keep imagining the PET scan showing a teenie tiny "hot spot" somewhere random in my body, necessitating the worst treatments possible! I have this constant fear of it coming back, which I am sure is pretty ubiquitous to all cancer survivors... it just sucks that the routine scans bring back such deep fears and bad memories. It is only when the scan date approaches does my paranoia start to creep back in. *sigh* Please keep your fingers crossed! I don't know where the courage and strength would come from to battle cancer a second time around. Hopefully, from the love, strength and support of all my friends, right? :) I would definitely need a little help in that department. BUT! I am not going to assume that I have cancer again. In fact, I am determined NOT to get it again. Like I said in my Valentine's post from 2009, if the cancer dares to come back, I will kill it!!!

I'm off to bed, dear readers. I will keep you updated on the results of the scan. <3

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Scan Results: Free and clear! Everything looks great! Thanks for all of your support!

First day of School on Monday

The first day of class is only a few days away. Today, it felt so good to browse through the college bookstore again. All of the books displayed adds to the infinite possibilities; makes me feel hopeful and excited. :)

I'm taking some SWAG classes while I'm working on my thesis and incompletes. I'm sure that it will keep me busy enough and will help me prepare for a new graduate program!

Wish me luck! HAPPY SCHOOL YEAR!

Think of all the women you know who will not allow themselves to be seen without makeup. I often wonder how they feel about themselves at night when they are climbing into bed with intimate partners. Are they overwhelmed with secret shame that someone sees them as they really are? Or do they sleep with race that who they really are can be celebrated or cared for only in secret?
-bell hooks

What to do about my hair?

My hair has really begun to grow back. Unfortunately, I have SUPER curly hair (and did before cancer), so I have to straight-iron the little hair that I have otherwise it looks a little funny...a short curly mop of unruly hair. It seems to have some curl there still (crossing my fingers that I'll still have ringlets!!), but it is too short to tell what kind of behavior it will have once fully grown out. The frustrating thing is that it's in an in-between phase; long and mullet-y in the back, weird shortish bangs in front. My usual approach is to straighten it as much as possible and stick a headband on it, hopefully to distract people from the fact that I have a mullet now. :p

I am SO tempted to cut it, but I figure that if I really want to go back to a short do, it would be easier to take off length than to cut it short and wait for it to grow back again. I can always decide to chop it off later, but I am really missing my curls. I guess it looks like a short, cropped bob now..?

WAYYYY back when:



Then:


Now:

GOOD NEWS: CT RESULTS

Hello lovely, lovely world! I have good news to share! (Okay, so I know the above is a PET scan image, but it is too hard to make one out of CT images. They're like slices of the body; not full sized images so its hard to appreciate.)


My post-treatment CT scan showed that my cancer is still gone and the remaining internal scar tissue has shrunk even further (my body is apparently still working on clearing out the junk chemo and radiation left behind). I'm was so happy that I could cry; even so, I knew deep down that I had kicked cancer's ass and that there was nothing to be afraid of. As all cancer survivors can attest to, fear of re-occurance is nearly universal.

Let me recap the day in details for ya'll. David and I made the 8 hour long road trip from Idaho to Washington; first stopping at his mom's house. There, we spend a few hours talking and catching up. We were also there to pick up the newest addition to our family, Willow; an adorable, sweet blonde female rat with curly fur and whisers. She was all alone and terrified of my mother in law's dog, so she came home with us; rat-loving foster parents.

After our visit, we packed up Willow for the long trip and headed our way to my hometown. From there, David dropped me off at my parent's house where I spent the night. David drove Willow back to Idaho so he could work and rest. The next morning, my Mom drove me to my appointment. Prior to the scan, I was thinking, "It's no big deal; I just have to drink some stuff so they can see inside me." Well apparently, they didn't require JUST the weird tasting CT contrast but ALSO the injectable CT contrast since they were doing the chest, abdomen and pelvic regions; basically my whole body. When I arrived, I headed to the 2nd floor radiology to have my blood drawn and an IV placed in my arm (ugh, where's my port again? Just kidding!!). The nurse seemed new to the whole thing and took for-freaking-ever to poke, get the blood, finish the IV set up and label everything. It also hurt pretty bad, considering he chose the deeper of the two vein options in my right arm (pretty much the only arm that gives good IVs).

After he FINALLY finished, he put an arm sock over my IV equipment and gave me some clear CT contrast to drink. The bottle of diluted contrast was a big sucker! Think of the contents of a full nalgene bottle and a half of this stuff that tasted like really bad drinking water with lots of minerals in it. I had to drink all of the solution over the course of one hour on an empty stomach. I read somewhere on the internet that it is easier to skip the straw and just ask for a cup. Apparently if you sip it leisurely, you won't get through the contrast in time for your allotted scan time and your brain will detect fullness before you've gotten enough down. Anyway, I managed to drink the stuff, but my stomach was hurting really badly because I had to fast prior to the scan. In sum, I was tired, grouchy and slightly nauseated.
I was able to finish the contrast just before my name was called. The techs brought me into the scan room with the "Donut of Doom", as my mother calls it (Mom is highly claustrophobic and hates the CT machine), in the center of the room. They ask me to make sure that I didn't have anything metal on; underwire, jewelry and the like. They motioned to the cradle-like table that was connected to the machine and asked me to lay down. They flushed my IV with saline which still brings back chemo memories. I almost lost it right then and there! Luckily, I practiced my deep breathing and imagery skills, preventing me from losing the contrast I had so diligently consumed.

The CT nurses/techs hooked up my IV to the injectable contrast machine, which, at the push of a button, administers a steady dose of the (as they say) warming CT contrast dye to the helpless and probably clueless patient. Once I was hooked up, they covered me with a warm sheet and the scan began. The typical whirring in and out, "breathe in...hold your breath" commands, and of course, the uncomfortable sensation that you have pee'd yourself and walked into a burning hot sauna all at once. The burning and hot feeling comes from the contrast traveling through your body. If it weren't so damned uncomfortable, it would be almost fascinating how quickly the heart pumps the contrast through your body. Let's just say that the sensation hits your bladder pretty much instantaneously...So, for the folks about to get a CT scan: YOU HAVE NOT PEE'D YOURSELF; THAT IS THE CONTRAST!!

Anyway, it was a good day despite momentary discomforts. I am just so glad that my scan was clear!

Life...or something like it

School starts again for me in a mere two and a half weeks. This month feels like it went fast. I can't believe its time for my post-treatment scan already. In three days, I'll have my first follow-up scan since completing treatment. Hopefully, there will be good results to report soon thereafter. The idea of having to get a stem cell transplant and basically restarting my immune system does not sound like something I want to have to go through.

Fear of the cancer coming back: I'm sure this is common with many cancer patients, so I know I'm not alone. Still, I am terrified that it will be back. I don't know if I could do chemo again. *sigh* David keeps telling me that my doctors were extremely confident, that's why they let me have my port taken out so early. Most cancer patients have to keep theirs for a year in case they need it again. I can't imagine what that would be like; to have a reminder of the pain, fear and sickness you experienced living under your skin. I still have trouble with the tenderness and pain of my healed port incision. I hate looking at it, but at least its not sticking up through my skin. I hated that even more.

My hair is growing like weeds. In a few months time, I think my hair will be chin length; that is if I don't get grumpy and chop it off again. I do like my boycut, but I also miss the length I once had. I haven't decided what to do yet. Apparently, my curls are here to stay though. After a shower, I forgot to blow-dry and straighten my hair. It was so unruly! Hopefully, the new growth will still have the bounce and ringlets that I miss so much. I didn't realize until I had cancer how VAIN I was about my curly hair. (or as David calls it, my 'mane')

Cancer is humbling.

:)

I find it to be poor form

for a health care conglomerate to simultaneously be considering your account for bill forgiveness as well as sending you a collections threat.

Classy.


OH! I made falafel and curry daal with carrots for dinner the other day. 'Twas delicious!!