Post-treatment Thingys and Gross Rantings

Hey cancer babes and allies,

I've been noticing some post-treatment side effects. The docs said that I should expect it, but hey, a gal can dream, right?

In addition to this LOVELY consolation prize... (yeah thats a keloid scar where my port used to be)



I get a random a dry cough. YAY! Nothing can be done about it, seeing has how my lung tissue has been scarred. Also, the color of my skin between my shoulders is now a slightly different tint than the skin that didn't get radiated. It's in this lovely box-like shape that will never go away. You know that tiny sheen of peach fuzz normal human beings sometimes have on their necks (well, people without facial hair)? Where they radiated my throat and chest the hair follicles died. I now have this really neat and visibly obvious pattern where hair clearly grows and does not grow. Great...partial allopecia of the neck hair. Why couldn't they have radiated my upper lip instead? Starting to look like Frida Khalo; although...that might not be a bad thing?

Ohhhh yes. And the fatigue and insomnia patterns. The energy levels have definitely improved, but I don't think I will ever be the same old Susie as I was before. I have racing thoughts sometimes and then there are other times when you couldn't drag me out of bed even if there was a fire or my thesis got accidentally shredded.

I swear, its like my body has never given me the chance to just be healthy and normal looking...ever. I'm going to be one of those people that always has something going on with their bodies, always some new fangled medication or surgery that I need to get. In searching for advice for surgery procedures, I've seen some of the biggest whiners. Granted, they've probably never been through what I had to go through, so I give them some credit, but COME ON! Crying about wisdom teeth removal and fear of "not waking up" after the procedure?!??!

If I could give them just a couple of moments of my time, I'd tell them about the great chest device I had INSTALLED INTO MY NECK AND HEART and the wonderful "pulling" sensation I remember WHILE I WAS AWAKE FOR THE PROCEDURE. It's a sensation that, when reminiscing, sends icky chills down my spine and gives me goosebumps. I would have given anything to have my wisdom teeth removed instead of this whole, oh you know, cancer thing. I'm not trying to knock people's fears, but seriously folks, they give you a pill and you forget the whole thing. A few hours later, you wake-up on your couch with reruns of Seinfeld blaring in the fuzzy background that is your consciousness. Plus you get to eat all sorts of yummy pureed things whereas with cancer, you'd be lucky to get down a half a can of Ensure.

Let's see, I also have these broken capillaries underneath my eyelids that give off a blackish/yellow tinge as a result of chemo. Usually I cover them up with a brightener, but still...another great long-term side effect. My nails are also ridiculously brittle and like to peel. I have to keep them constantly painted to prevent the chipping or breaking from getting too serious. Similarly, my skin feels like it will never get moisturized. I drink lots of water, exfoliate and moisturize at home, but it will never feel the same. *sigh* I just wish I could be a normal human being and not like a medical experiment gone terribly wrong.

Oh, random fact about ABVD treatment. I can NEVER go scuba diving or mountain climbing for the rest of my life. Apparently, being exposed to one of these drugs makes using oxygen intense devices like scuba gear dangerous and poses a risk to blowing up my lung or something equally as horrendous!

Ahhhh yes, cancer: The gift that keeps on giving.

Haters they gonna hate..

Sometimes, I just need to vent. I don't need advice.

I think this quote I saw on a billboard in town says enough, "A closed mouth gathers no foot".

Check out my hair!

IT'S BACK, BABY AND SEXIER THAN EVER! (also, check out my new cat-eye glasses!)



The few, the proud, the over-educated: Women graduate students.

i become doctor now, yus?

This month has been a sheer shit-show and I am exhausted. I just finished the most grueling month and a half, during which time I completed my doctoral application for TWU. Things are looking a bit more promising since I last posted about Ph.D. programs and hopefully, come March, I'll have some good news for you all.

Some people will say it is foolish to apply to only one Ph.D. program, but honestly, if this is my dream program, then why not? If I don't get in, I'll just work for a year, build up my CV and experience, and reapply. I really want to get into this program and I think I've done as much as I can to improve my chances. I'm not sure that a second M.A. would be the best route for me. Either way, I'll have options.

I've been combing the internet, looking for some advice on funding. I don't know how private universities work with regards to doctoral student funding or if I should have sent a teaching portfolio along with my application. Maybe I'll have to dig some more or try connecting with folks currently in the Ph.D. program.

Anyway, while browsing facebook, I randomly decided to search for the director of the Ph.D. program AND SHE HAS A FB PROFILE. I felt this sudden urge to friend her, but what if she friended me and I didn't get in? Uhm, that'd be super awkward. What if she friended me and saw something she didn't like on my profile or something and then was all turned off by my application?? Not that I have anything on there to deter her. >.> <.<
I wager that she only friends current students and such. I'm thinking it was probably best that I didn't friend her on FB.

I'm planning on going to the TWU open house and I'm wondering if I should try contacting the director of the program to let them know I'll be there. I know they don't offer interviews, but maybe it would be a good thing to place a face with an application and show how crazy dedicated I am?? I'm going to give everything a week or so to simmer before I email the director because I don't want to look like I am pestering people. I think it is probably wise to let the deadline pass before popping your head up to say hello and bombard them with requests to chat in person. Also, OMFG I would be terrified.. I'll have to work on calming down and deciding on questions to ask and such if this nightmare were to become a reality. I'm totally paranoid of giving the wrong impression or looking like a newb.

Please, please, PLEASE cross your fingers for me. I really want this.

oh hello, world

Busy, busy, BUSY. That is the story of my life these days.

I looked back, oh, two or three posts and wow..I can't believe how much time has passed since my last scan. My onco told me last time that the CT was clean and that the remaining scar tissue around my heart was shrinking. (And this time I'll keep it off!! hah!) Hopefully, by the end of the month, I will have the same or better news to share with all of you.

From time to time, I have "OMFGWTFBBQ!!!1" moments where every little ache, pain, itch or cough sends shock-waves of terror through my brain. All you cancer survivors out there know the whole deal, right? The "OMGIMIGHTHAVECANCERAGAIN!! WHATAMIGONNAGDO?!?" moments when you see on your calendar that your scan is coming up again or you get a random, one-time coughing fit. Usually, a good cry with my hubby and puppy is a enough to release my fears and get the courage to keep going.

School is...well, school. :D I am trying, fervently, to finish everything in time. I got an email from my committee advisor who reminded me that I have plenty of time to finish my degree this semester. Getting her email was like heaven; it released all of my anxiety about getting things done and gave me renewed confidence in my work. I so desperately needed that . I'm attempting to finish my applications for doctoral programs this month (!!!!OMG!!). I only really want to go to one particular program. If I don't get in, I'll reapply until I do. But I really REALLY REALLY!!! want to go. I cannot wait any longer to fulfill my dreams; cancer reminded me of that, for sure. You cancer babes know what I'm talking about.

Speaking of cancer babes, I am sorry to report that my mother was recently re-diagnosed with breast cancer.

Her treatments have been very harsh and everything right now is so uncertain. She was admitted to the hospital a few days ago for extreme dehydration and pneumonia. So far, everything seems to be improving and she's gained some much needed weight on her new nutritional plan.

Celebrate small victories, right folks?

Right. *sigh*

This just reminds me of the unrelenting nature of cancer and the importance of your dreams, aspirations, health and self-care.

LONG LONG OVER-DUE

Sorry little blog. I have neglected you terribly!

I just finished a bunch of really important tasks. I finally have a moment to just do nothing before David and I start cooking for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I bought a free range, organic turkey from the Co-op this year and can spend Thanksgiving enjoying delicious food staying in my stomach. :) I can hardly believe that just last year, I was battling this terrible disease. Now here I am; full head of hair, finishing school and feeling awesome. I also completed some of the goals on my list! I went to Smith, saw my friends, and got a dog!! His name is Oliver. He's a border collie/welsh pembroke corgi mix. I love him to pieces.

He's a great foot warmer and morale booster! Amazing how animals can give you a renewed perspective and keep you on track, isn't it? Oliver reminds me to take time for myself and to enjoy the little things. For him, its a new squeaky toy, early morning cuddles in bed and the simple joy of bounding through the snow. For me, its a warm soy chai, hot baths, organic food and the smell of fresh laundry.

I've been working hard lately and I am so anxious to finish everything. The application deadline for my choice graduate program is coming and I have lots to do yet. I feel very anxious to get out of Idaho and this tiny apartment. Moving would entail better opportunities for me and for David. In some ways, I am tempted to just do the 9-5 grind. Even when I was working, I had a better quality of life as a poor retail associate than as a graduate student. I miss spoiling myself with extra lattes and buying fair trade/organic, but I know once I'm finished, it'll have all been worth it. I know that I will be proud of myself and will do something worth my time and talent.

Long Over-due Update

Whoa.. I have been really busy and didn't realize that I haven't updated this in almost a month. Sorry, my faithful blog-followers! I promise I have not disappeared!

I am really enjoying being back at school and finally tying up the lose ends. The women and gender studies classes I am taking are really easy (compared to those at Smith), but its helping me refocus and organize my thesis as well as provide me the coursework I needed. The only unfortunate side effect is that I am SO, SO busy!! I have also made a pack with the hubby to go to the gym for no less than 30 minutes; 2 days on, 1 day off (which translates to 4 to 5 days a week). My post-cancer energy has been slowly improving, which is good news. No more chest pains (stupid radiation, messin' up my lungs and heart), I sleep better and have more energy in the morning. I'm actually able to drag my ass out of bed at the crack of dawn for a cuppa joe and the occasional farmer's market. But at the end of the day like a cranky, old lady, I need to go to bed at 10:30pm because I am so wiped out. Whoever said that "There are never enough hours in the day" most definitely hit the nail on the head!

I have decided to try to work on my thesis for approximately one hour per night. It's just a huge pain in the ass right now, because I need to rework the majority of the paper and hone the focus of the analysis. I need some motivation...it's hard to delete parts written so long ago. I keep thinking to myself, "WHAT IF I MESS UP AND I NEED THAT CHAPTER LATER?!??!?!" My advisor is probably going to disapprove of the scope and breadth, but I gotta do what's rattling around in my brain! I think I have a pretty good perspective to offer and can pull off so many different factors. Let's just hope that I finally get the sort of organization and clarity needed to make it work. I just have to keep reminding myself, "What are you trying to say? Is this what you originally wanted to investigate in the thesis?". In sum, my thesis is a sucky, mess right now.

Anywho, on to cancer matters. I have another scan coming up in October. This is a critical scan because it will be approximately one year since my diagnosis. The one year mark is important, folks!! Blarghhhh I always fear the results of these scans. I keep going through all the paranoid questions, "What if they find something again?" I keep imagining the PET scan showing a teenie tiny "hot spot" somewhere random in my body, necessitating the worst treatments possible! I have this constant fear of it coming back, which I am sure is pretty ubiquitous to all cancer survivors... it just sucks that the routine scans bring back such deep fears and bad memories. It is only when the scan date approaches does my paranoia start to creep back in. *sigh* Please keep your fingers crossed! I don't know where the courage and strength would come from to battle cancer a second time around. Hopefully, from the love, strength and support of all my friends, right? :) I would definitely need a little help in that department. BUT! I am not going to assume that I have cancer again. In fact, I am determined NOT to get it again. Like I said in my Valentine's post from 2009, if the cancer dares to come back, I will kill it!!!

I'm off to bed, dear readers. I will keep you updated on the results of the scan. <3

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Scan Results: Free and clear! Everything looks great! Thanks for all of your support!