This month has been a sheer shit-show and I am exhausted. I just finished the most grueling month and a half, during which time I completed my doctoral application for TWU. Things are looking a bit more promising since I last posted about Ph.D. programs and hopefully, come March, I'll have some good news for you all.
Some people will say it is foolish to apply to only one Ph.D. program, but honestly, if this is my dream program, then why not? If I don't get in, I'll just work for a year, build up my CV and experience, and reapply. I really want to get into this program and I think I've done as much as I can to improve my chances. I'm not sure that a second M.A. would be the best route for me. Either way, I'll have options.
I've been combing the internet, looking for some advice on funding. I don't know how private universities work with regards to doctoral student funding or if I should have sent a teaching portfolio along with my application. Maybe I'll have to dig some more or try connecting with folks currently in the Ph.D. program.
Anyway, while browsing facebook, I randomly decided to search for the director of the Ph.D. program AND SHE HAS A FB PROFILE. I felt this sudden urge to friend her, but what if she friended me and I didn't get in? Uhm, that'd be super awkward. What if she friended me and saw something she didn't like on my profile or something and then was all turned off by my application?? Not that I have anything on there to deter her. >.> <.<
I wager that she only friends current students and such. I'm thinking it was probably best that I didn't friend her on FB.
I'm planning on going to the TWU open house and I'm wondering if I should try contacting the director of the program to let them know I'll be there. I know they don't offer interviews, but maybe it would be a good thing to place a face with an application and show how crazy dedicated I am?? I'm going to give everything a week or so to simmer before I email the director because I don't want to look like I am pestering people. I think it is probably wise to let the deadline pass before popping your head up to say hello and bombard them with requests to chat in person. Also, OMFG I would be terrified.. I'll have to work on calming down and deciding on questions to ask and such if this nightmare were to become a reality. I'm totally paranoid of giving the wrong impression or looking like a newb.
Please, please, PLEASE cross your fingers for me. I really want this.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
oh hello, world
Busy, busy, BUSY. That is the story of my life these days.
I looked back, oh, two or three posts and wow..I can't believe how much time has passed since my last scan. My onco told me last time that the CT was clean and that the remaining scar tissue around my heart was shrinking. (And this time I'll keep it off!! hah!) Hopefully, by the end of the month, I will have the same or better news to share with all of you.
From time to time, I have "OMFGWTFBBQ!!!1" moments where every little ache, pain, itch or cough sends shock-waves of terror through my brain. All you cancer survivors out there know the whole deal, right? The "OMGIMIGHTHAVECANCERAGAIN!! WHATAMIGONNAGDO?!?" moments when you see on your calendar that your scan is coming up again or you get a random, one-time coughing fit. Usually, a good cry with my hubby and puppy is a enough to release my fears and get the courage to keep going.
School is...well, school. :D I am trying, fervently, to finish everything in time. I got an email from my committee advisor who reminded me that I have plenty of time to finish my degree this semester. Getting her email was like heaven; it released all of my anxiety about getting things done and gave me renewed confidence in my work. I so desperately needed that . I'm attempting to finish my applications for doctoral programs this month (!!!!OMG!!). I only really want to go to one particular program. If I don't get in, I'll reapply until I do. But I really REALLY REALLY!!! want to go. I cannot wait any longer to fulfill my dreams; cancer reminded me of that, for sure. You cancer babes know what I'm talking about.
Speaking of cancer babes, I am sorry to report that my mother was recently re-diagnosed with breast cancer.
Her treatments have been very harsh and everything right now is so uncertain. She was admitted to the hospital a few days ago for extreme dehydration and pneumonia. So far, everything seems to be improving and she's gained some much needed weight on her new nutritional plan.
Celebrate small victories, right folks?
Right. *sigh*
This just reminds me of the unrelenting nature of cancer and the importance of your dreams, aspirations, health and self-care.
I looked back, oh, two or three posts and wow..I can't believe how much time has passed since my last scan. My onco told me last time that the CT was clean and that the remaining scar tissue around my heart was shrinking. (And this time I'll keep it off!! hah!) Hopefully, by the end of the month, I will have the same or better news to share with all of you.
From time to time, I have "OMFGWTFBBQ!!!1" moments where every little ache, pain, itch or cough sends shock-waves of terror through my brain. All you cancer survivors out there know the whole deal, right? The "OMGIMIGHTHAVECANCERAGAIN!! WHATAMIGONNAGDO?!?" moments when you see on your calendar that your scan is coming up again or you get a random, one-time coughing fit. Usually, a good cry with my hubby and puppy is a enough to release my fears and get the courage to keep going.
School is...well, school. :D I am trying, fervently, to finish everything in time. I got an email from my committee advisor who reminded me that I have plenty of time to finish my degree this semester. Getting her email was like heaven; it released all of my anxiety about getting things done and gave me renewed confidence in my work. I so desperately needed that . I'm attempting to finish my applications for doctoral programs this month (!!!!OMG!!). I only really want to go to one particular program. If I don't get in, I'll reapply until I do. But I really REALLY REALLY!!! want to go. I cannot wait any longer to fulfill my dreams; cancer reminded me of that, for sure. You cancer babes know what I'm talking about.
Speaking of cancer babes, I am sorry to report that my mother was recently re-diagnosed with breast cancer.
Her treatments have been very harsh and everything right now is so uncertain. She was admitted to the hospital a few days ago for extreme dehydration and pneumonia. So far, everything seems to be improving and she's gained some much needed weight on her new nutritional plan.
Celebrate small victories, right folks?
Right. *sigh*
This just reminds me of the unrelenting nature of cancer and the importance of your dreams, aspirations, health and self-care.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
LONG LONG OVER-DUE
Sorry little blog. I have neglected you terribly!
I just finished a bunch of really important tasks. I finally have a moment to just do nothing before David and I start cooking for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I bought a free range, organic turkey from the Co-op this year and can spend Thanksgiving enjoying delicious food staying in my stomach. :) I can hardly believe that just last year, I was battling this terrible disease. Now here I am; full head of hair, finishing school and feeling awesome. I also completed some of the goals on my list! I went to Smith, saw my friends, and got a dog!! His name is Oliver. He's a border collie/welsh pembroke corgi mix. I love him to pieces.
He's a great foot warmer and morale booster! Amazing how animals can give you a renewed perspective and keep you on track, isn't it? Oliver reminds me to take time for myself and to enjoy the little things. For him, its a new squeaky toy, early morning cuddles in bed and the simple joy of bounding through the snow. For me, its a warm soy chai, hot baths, organic food and the smell of fresh laundry.
I've been working hard lately and I am so anxious to finish everything. The application deadline for my choice graduate program is coming and I have lots to do yet. I feel very anxious to get out of Idaho and this tiny apartment. Moving would entail better opportunities for me and for David. In some ways, I am tempted to just do the 9-5 grind. Even when I was working, I had a better quality of life as a poor retail associate than as a graduate student. I miss spoiling myself with extra lattes and buying fair trade/organic, but I know once I'm finished, it'll have all been worth it. I know that I will be proud of myself and will do something worth my time and talent.
I just finished a bunch of really important tasks. I finally have a moment to just do nothing before David and I start cooking for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I bought a free range, organic turkey from the Co-op this year and can spend Thanksgiving enjoying delicious food staying in my stomach. :) I can hardly believe that just last year, I was battling this terrible disease. Now here I am; full head of hair, finishing school and feeling awesome. I also completed some of the goals on my list! I went to Smith, saw my friends, and got a dog!! His name is Oliver. He's a border collie/welsh pembroke corgi mix. I love him to pieces.
He's a great foot warmer and morale booster! Amazing how animals can give you a renewed perspective and keep you on track, isn't it? Oliver reminds me to take time for myself and to enjoy the little things. For him, its a new squeaky toy, early morning cuddles in bed and the simple joy of bounding through the snow. For me, its a warm soy chai, hot baths, organic food and the smell of fresh laundry.
I've been working hard lately and I am so anxious to finish everything. The application deadline for my choice graduate program is coming and I have lots to do yet. I feel very anxious to get out of Idaho and this tiny apartment. Moving would entail better opportunities for me and for David. In some ways, I am tempted to just do the 9-5 grind. Even when I was working, I had a better quality of life as a poor retail associate than as a graduate student. I miss spoiling myself with extra lattes and buying fair trade/organic, but I know once I'm finished, it'll have all been worth it. I know that I will be proud of myself and will do something worth my time and talent.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Long Over-due Update
Whoa.. I have been really busy and didn't realize that I haven't updated this in almost a month. Sorry, my faithful blog-followers! I promise I have not disappeared!
I am really enjoying being back at school and finally tying up the lose ends. The women and gender studies classes I am taking are really easy (compared to those at Smith), but its helping me refocus and organize my thesis as well as provide me the coursework I needed. The only unfortunate side effect is that I am SO, SO busy!! I have also made a pack with the hubby to go to the gym for no less than 30 minutes; 2 days on, 1 day off (which translates to 4 to 5 days a week). My post-cancer energy has been slowly improving, which is good news. No more chest pains (stupid radiation, messin' up my lungs and heart), I sleep better and have more energy in the morning. I'm actually able to drag my ass out of bed at the crack of dawn for a cuppa joe and the occasional farmer's market. But at the end of the day like a cranky, old lady, I need to go to bed at 10:30pm because I am so wiped out. Whoever said that "There are never enough hours in the day" most definitely hit the nail on the head!
I have decided to try to work on my thesis for approximately one hour per night. It's just a huge pain in the ass right now, because I need to rework the majority of the paper and hone the focus of the analysis. I need some motivation...it's hard to delete parts written so long ago. I keep thinking to myself, "WHAT IF I MESS UP AND I NEED THAT CHAPTER LATER?!??!?!" My advisor is probably going to disapprove of the scope and breadth, but I gotta do what's rattling around in my brain! I think I have a pretty good perspective to offer and can pull off so many different factors. Let's just hope that I finally get the sort of organization and clarity needed to make it work. I just have to keep reminding myself, "What are you trying to say? Is this what you originally wanted to investigate in the thesis?". In sum, my thesis is a sucky, mess right now.
Anywho, on to cancer matters. I have another scan coming up in October. This is a critical scan because it will be approximately one year since my diagnosis. The one year mark is important, folks!! Blarghhhh I always fear the results of these scans. I keep going through all the paranoid questions, "What if they find something again?" I keep imagining the PET scan showing a teenie tiny "hot spot" somewhere random in my body, necessitating the worst treatments possible! I have this constant fear of it coming back, which I am sure is pretty ubiquitous to all cancer survivors... it just sucks that the routine scans bring back such deep fears and bad memories. It is only when the scan date approaches does my paranoia start to creep back in. *sigh* Please keep your fingers crossed! I don't know where the courage and strength would come from to battle cancer a second time around. Hopefully, from the love, strength and support of all my friends, right? :) I would definitely need a little help in that department. BUT! I am not going to assume that I have cancer again. In fact, I am determined NOT to get it again. Like I said in my Valentine's post from 2009, if the cancer dares to come back, I will kill it!!!
I'm off to bed, dear readers. I will keep you updated on the results of the scan. <3
-----------------------------------------------------------
Scan Results: Free and clear! Everything looks great! Thanks for all of your support!
I am really enjoying being back at school and finally tying up the lose ends. The women and gender studies classes I am taking are really easy (compared to those at Smith), but its helping me refocus and organize my thesis as well as provide me the coursework I needed. The only unfortunate side effect is that I am SO, SO busy!! I have also made a pack with the hubby to go to the gym for no less than 30 minutes; 2 days on, 1 day off (which translates to 4 to 5 days a week). My post-cancer energy has been slowly improving, which is good news. No more chest pains (stupid radiation, messin' up my lungs and heart), I sleep better and have more energy in the morning. I'm actually able to drag my ass out of bed at the crack of dawn for a cuppa joe and the occasional farmer's market. But at the end of the day like a cranky, old lady, I need to go to bed at 10:30pm because I am so wiped out. Whoever said that "There are never enough hours in the day" most definitely hit the nail on the head!
I have decided to try to work on my thesis for approximately one hour per night. It's just a huge pain in the ass right now, because I need to rework the majority of the paper and hone the focus of the analysis. I need some motivation...it's hard to delete parts written so long ago. I keep thinking to myself, "WHAT IF I MESS UP AND I NEED THAT CHAPTER LATER?!??!?!" My advisor is probably going to disapprove of the scope and breadth, but I gotta do what's rattling around in my brain! I think I have a pretty good perspective to offer and can pull off so many different factors. Let's just hope that I finally get the sort of organization and clarity needed to make it work. I just have to keep reminding myself, "What are you trying to say? Is this what you originally wanted to investigate in the thesis?". In sum, my thesis is a sucky, mess right now.
Anywho, on to cancer matters. I have another scan coming up in October. This is a critical scan because it will be approximately one year since my diagnosis. The one year mark is important, folks!! Blarghhhh I always fear the results of these scans. I keep going through all the paranoid questions, "What if they find something again?" I keep imagining the PET scan showing a teenie tiny "hot spot" somewhere random in my body, necessitating the worst treatments possible! I have this constant fear of it coming back, which I am sure is pretty ubiquitous to all cancer survivors... it just sucks that the routine scans bring back such deep fears and bad memories. It is only when the scan date approaches does my paranoia start to creep back in. *sigh* Please keep your fingers crossed! I don't know where the courage and strength would come from to battle cancer a second time around. Hopefully, from the love, strength and support of all my friends, right? :) I would definitely need a little help in that department. BUT! I am not going to assume that I have cancer again. In fact, I am determined NOT to get it again. Like I said in my Valentine's post from 2009, if the cancer dares to come back, I will kill it!!!
I'm off to bed, dear readers. I will keep you updated on the results of the scan. <3
-----------------------------------------------------------
Scan Results: Free and clear! Everything looks great! Thanks for all of your support!
Friday, August 20, 2010
First day of School on Monday
The first day of class is only a few days away. Today, it felt so good to browse through the college bookstore again. All of the books displayed adds to the infinite possibilities; makes me feel hopeful and excited. :)
I'm taking some SWAG classes while I'm working on my thesis and incompletes. I'm sure that it will keep me busy enough and will help me prepare for a new graduate program!
Wish me luck! HAPPY SCHOOL YEAR!
I'm taking some SWAG classes while I'm working on my thesis and incompletes. I'm sure that it will keep me busy enough and will help me prepare for a new graduate program!
Wish me luck! HAPPY SCHOOL YEAR!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Think of all the women you know who will not allow themselves to be seen without makeup. I often wonder how they feel about themselves at night when they are climbing into bed with intimate partners. Are they overwhelmed with secret shame that someone sees them as they really are? Or do they sleep with race that who they really are can be celebrated or cared for only in secret?
-bell hooks
-bell hooks
Monday, August 2, 2010
What to do about my hair?
My hair has really begun to grow back. Unfortunately, I have SUPER curly hair (and did before cancer), so I have to straight-iron the little hair that I have otherwise it looks a little funny...a short curly mop of unruly hair. It seems to have some curl there still (crossing my fingers that I'll still have ringlets!!), but it is too short to tell what kind of behavior it will have once fully grown out. The frustrating thing is that it's in an in-between phase; long and mullet-y in the back, weird shortish bangs in front. My usual approach is to straighten it as much as possible and stick a headband on it, hopefully to distract people from the fact that I have a mullet now. :p
I am SO tempted to cut it, but I figure that if I really want to go back to a short do, it would be easier to take off length than to cut it short and wait for it to grow back again. I can always decide to chop it off later, but I am really missing my curls. I guess it looks like a short, cropped bob now..?
WAYYYY back when:
Then:
Now:
I am SO tempted to cut it, but I figure that if I really want to go back to a short do, it would be easier to take off length than to cut it short and wait for it to grow back again. I can always decide to chop it off later, but I am really missing my curls. I guess it looks like a short, cropped bob now..?
WAYYYY back when:
Then:
Now:
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